Being a parent is a full-time job, so you deserve a relaxing getaway every now and then! Rather than leave your baby with your parents for a week while you gaze upon the majesty of the Mona Lisa or sip Piña Coladas on the beaches of Saint Croix, bring it along! After all, you wouldn’t want to be accused of being neglectful parents for taking off and enjoying life for a few days while your barely cognizant spawn is left alone with Grandma and Grandpa. Follow this travel guide for tips on ultimate destinations for making happy family memories while your newborn hasn’t the slightest idea where the heck it even is!
Who wouldn’t want to take their child to the “Happiest Place on Earth”!? With your little tadpole in tow, there are 5 whole attractions you can all enjoy: “Pirates of The Caribbean,” “It’s A Small World,” “Winnie the Pooh,” “the Jungle Cruise,” and the parades! At $110.00 per ticket, that works out to only $55 a ride (because score! The parades are free), or less if you go on them multiple times! You’re gonna tell me you’re NOT going on “It’s A Small World” at least three times? No way! That song is catchy as hell and it’s a long, dark, relaxing ride – a perfect time to breastfeed!
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore for your bambino! Nevermind the gondolier who keeps looking back at the crying infant that keeps interrupting his romantic crooning – you are one big happy family, sailing through the canals of one of Italy’s most iconic cities. Whoever said, “Romance is dead once you have a kid,” was partially mistaken, and Italy is here to prove it! And in the event that statement is true, you can go ahead and simultaneously celebrate the elegant decay of one of the most beautiful cities on earth and your sex life. #Art
Prepare to encounter the divine! Concerned about the development of your baby’s head? Bring your newborn along on one of the most powerfully spiritual mountain treks this world has to offer. Incas traditionally celebrated the deformed skull and would wrap newborns’ heads with bandages to centralize growth in certain cranial areas. Not wanting to condition your child to one, rigid line of religious thought? Expose their spongey minds to the worship of the Sun God and Moon Goddess. Dad still puking from the Ayahuasca ceremony the night before? No worries. He’s one step closer to understanding his true self, ergo being the father figure your cubster truly deserves.
Just because you produced another human being doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy all life has to offer! Take magical vacations and bring your fully fertilized egg along. They will not remember or appreciate the time, money, and effort that went into bringing them along on this eye-opening adventure, but as the adult with a fully functioning hippocampus, you’ll know! And at all subsequent birthday parties and family reunions, you can be sure to bring up the time you took little Brandon to Big Bear on a camping trip, and after dropping him into a hot spring filled with nude hippies and truckers, you scooped him out and continued being Parent of the Year!