There is a wealth of information out there regarding women’s health, not to mention a plethora of home remedies to alleviate any uncomfortable traffic in your downtown station. If you’re not feeling as fresh as a plant in your underpants, or your inner goddess is in need of an ego boost, here are 5 items you can shove up in there because the medical community has yet to say you shouldn’t.
It is decidedly so that your womanhood is your greatest source of power, so if you feel your womanly sorcery starting to wane, rummage through that old toy box (No! Not your front bum! An actual toy box!) and grab that all-knowing orb. Chances are your doctor has never said the words, “Don’t put a Magic 8-Ball in your vagina,” so if it’s further advice you seek, or you’re just feeling frisky and whimsical, dust off that childhood relic and put it to good use. After all, can’t any toy be a sex toy? All signs point to Yes!
The healthful properties of almonds plus the cool, refreshing effect of chocolate ice cream makes this dessert a treat for more than just your face mouth. Plus, a few sweet mini marshmallows can help cover up the scent of your soft shell tuna taco. If you can freeze yogurt and slide that into your lovin’ oven, why not switch it up with something higher in both calcium and flavor?
Want to double up on the sweet nectar that is the essence of your southern flower garden? Snatch that hummingbird feeder from the backyard and straddle away! It’s all fine and dandy getting dressed by blue jays, Cinderella, but nothing will make you feel more alive or powerful than adorable little hummingbirds suckling from your very own juice box.
Your son’s 4th birthday party was a total flop, so this year, forget hiring a clown! You’ve got the magic in you. Literally. You’ll be sure to make this a party little Kyle will never forget! Not only will he enjoy this classic gag, but it will also serve as a friendly reminder that Mom’s slip ‘n’ slide is more than just a baby cannon.
A Shrunken Head
You’ve severed and shrunk the heads of your enemies, so what now? If you really want to harness their power of servitude to you, make a DIY panty puppet! Keeping it on the stake it’s probably already on (or grab a popsicle stick if you keep your heads on a shelf display), insert that head slowly into your stench trench, and relax as that soul is really unable to avenge its death. To assert your dominance even more, practice a few kegels. Scientists and shamans agree that they’ve never thought about this yet!
Some would argue that they can count on one hand the number of things that should go into your vagina, but no one explicitly said not to put these things in there! So move over, fellas, because these caves can hold way more than just a one-eyed monster! Hurry, you Amazonian warrior princesses, you, before science tells you No!