I Beat Swamp Ass. Here’s How:

swamp ass

It wasn’t long ago that I was moist between the cheeks – and no, I’m not talking about my mouth! Enough was enough. I took the necessary steps and with just a few lifestyle changes, I cured my swamp ass and now you can, too. Let me be your ass Sherpa as we take your stink crevice on a journey from the Everglades to the Sahara.

Spread ‘Em

As ladies, we are taught to be proper, to compress ourselves, take up less space. Well, men, you can’t have a compact lady AND a swamp ass free lady all in one. It’s time to #AirItOut, gal pals. No more sitting cross-legged. Now when you pop a squat, be sure to open those legs as wide as you can and let the stank out. It’s also time to say “Sayonara!” to that dainty catwalk stroll. Whether it’s around campus, through the mall, or just from your car to the office, walk like you’ve got a pony between those gams. Some may call it bow-legged, but I call it blow-legged because that’s what that sweet, sweet breeze is going to do to those wide open cheeks.

Give Up Exercise

Everyone knows that when you exercise, you sweat. And when you sweat, your ass crack sweats because your ass crack is part of you. If you want to eliminate that river running through your grand canyon, employ this new philosophy: drive, don’t walk. You can either have a tight tush that smells like a family of gaseous alligators crawled up there and died, or you can cool down that junk in your trunk and have it smelling like a desert rose.


Hot summer day and you need a quick fix? Grab an ice cold Coca-Cola and give your San Assdreas Fault a fizzy flush.

Towel on a Rail

Can’t get your hands on a refreshing pop? Grab a towel, be it beach or paper, toss it over a rail or fence and straddle away!


Head to a temperate area. You may have followed your dreams of becoming a famous singer all the way to Music City, but there’s a reason they call it Nasty Nashtown. That reason is all the swampy asses, busking up and down Broadway, trying to make a buck. We know what they’re really using those dollars for: giving their Louisianus a good wiping. Do you dream of a fresh sphincter? Then follow your heart and your ass northwest.

Tired of people confusing your butt crack for the Great Dismal Swamp? Just follow these tips and make like a Jack Daniels whiskey barrel and get yourself a sweet smelling bunghole.